Friday, January 16, 2015

Pets in Heaven

The following is an excerpt from CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN GOD AND SATAN regarding the issue of pets in Heaven:

Beyond those Kids, God had no other family. He’d impregnated a great many females, of course, in quite a few places throughout various solar systems, in order to produce His sons, but most of these ladies had been married, or at least engaged, to people or people-like beings at the time, so even when they died and became angels, these former consorts were more interested in being with their husband-angels than with God. And the rest of the billions and billions of angels who’s not been the beneficiaries of a so-called virgin birth spent most of their time looking for relatives and eating, mainly broccoli and yogurt, with an occasional cup of decaf French Roast and one Girl Scout thin mint cookie for dessert. The virgin birth angels, however, usually got two Girl Scout thin mint cookies for dessert, and sometimes, maybe once in a millennium, got a bag of baked potato chips, too. But none of them, regardless of whether they’d been impregnated by God while they were at home on their native planets, ever got a glass of wine.
Maybe all these billions and billions of angels wouldn’t be quite so bored, God often thought, if I’d allowed their dogs and cats to join them. But He’d drawn the line on pets and created a separate Pet Heaven, which was now almost over-flowing with not only dogs and cats, but also canaries, cockatiels, hamsters, guinea pigs, guinea fowl, gerbils, rats, mice, rosy and emerald boas and other snakes, poison dart frogs, praying mantises, millipedes, monkeys, zebra finches, and dozens of other species that former people had kept in or around their homes for pleasure then given a proper little funeral and burial after these pets died.
Once and a while God ventured over into Pet Heaven just to see what was going on, and when He entered, He found himself highly entertained, amazed, and intrigued by what He saw. In a few galaxies, people really had bizarre pets and did bizarre things with them, so that when these kinds of pets got to Pet Heaven, they behaved in surprisingly people-angel-like ways, functioning largely to keep the other pet angels fed, watered, and entertained. In this very strange place, God realized that the monkey-like pet-angels were really having a much more interesting afterlife by playing ball and Frisbee with dog-like pet angels, or teasing cat-like pet-angels with balls of yarn-like stuff, than were the people who’d owned all these pets in the first place and were now, as angels, subsisting on broccoli, yogurt, and a seemingly never-ending search for relatives. Periodically God wondered whether more Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, or even a glass of wine once every millennium or two, might help alleviate some of the people-angels’ boredom, but then resisted that temptation because, of course, He was God.

CONVERSATIONS is available on all e-readers and as a nice paperback from amazon.

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