Excerpt from a WIP entitled "Smart Phone Dialogues"

The ideal place to perform any of these dialogues is in a crowded airport terminal gate with a lot of people sitting around waiting for their flights, although the pieces may be adapted to about any situation where you’re thrown in with a bunch of strangers that you know you’ll never see again and are guaranteed to be separated from within an hour or two. The dialogues should be especially effective if there is an idiot nearby who is doing the same thing, although really talking to another person.

Dialogue #2 – The Pet Vampire:

(Ringtone: Something from Kung Fu Vampire)

Hi, Sam; yeah, we got it done okay . . . took a little while, figuring out how to prepare those cow blood food bags instead of letting them bite our arms . . . but it turns out they’re super smart . . . train ‘em to do about anything.

(Pause)

Well, they’re pretty good sized, y’know, wingspan’s maybe a foot . . . like, you know it big time when they come through the living room. Like, you got a vampire bat flying through your house, and you got people over for dinner or something, and everyone notices right away. . . I mean, they’re pretty hard to ignore, especially when they’re flying around over the dinner table . . . (laughs) . . . almost imagine ‘em taking a hungry look at your rare steak, right?

(Pause)

Depends. Our colony is rabies free, so no need to worry about that. So sort of depends on how somebody wants to get bit. I’d be careful about offering a jugular, y’know! (laughs)

(Pause)

Oh? Cow blood. I mean, once we figured it out, these things breed really well, and when we started, we didn’t realize how easily they were trained. Y’know, they’re like house broken. Crap and pee in a litter box, just like your cat . . . I mean, like, these are serious bats, and they do bite, but mainly strangers, like when you have folks in for a party or something. .  . . But yeah, they just fly down, take a little nip off someone’s cheek, lap up a little blood, then take a dump in their litter and go back up.

(Pause)

Back up? Oh, it’s a little rack, up on the ceiling, sort of like a towel rack. Just screw it into the ceiling. Let ‘em loose the first time up near there, and they find it right away.

(Pause)

Litter box? Turns out all you need is a little sound generator . . . right frequency . . . yeah, after all, these are bats, y’know . . . they got big ears . . . they find it right away.

(Pause)

Depends on how many you order. . . I recommend a couple of females to start.

(Pause)

Cow blood? . . . Yeah, we finally bought our own herd, just to guarantee the supply, so we ship maybe a hundred gallons a day, all over the country (laughs). I mean, when you got a pet vampire, that’s a status symbol you gotta keep fed, right?

(Pause)

Yeah . . . better a bag of cow blood than your own, right? (laughs) Ended up with a bunch of scars on the arm, ‘til we figured that one out.

(Pause)

Five hundred each, plus shipping. We do overnight, Fed Ex, UPS, whichever you want . . . Need to get your litter box, your ceiling rack set up in whatever room you want ‘em to stay in, and a pretty good supply of blood . . . we’ll ship you a couple months’ supply . . . hundred bucks a quart . . . keep it in the freezer . . . thaw it out in the microwave when you need a bag . . . works like a charm.

(Pause)

Oh, now get this . . . we also got this Rent-a-Witch thing going.

(Pause)

Yeah, she’s a major babe. Tall, thin, stacked, real dark eyes, black hair, dresses up in one of those Elvira-type costumes . . . gets along great with the bats.

(Pause)

Thousand dollars an hour . . . two hour minimum . . . plus transportation and expenses . . . I mean if she gets on a plane to somewhere, and has to take along a couple of animals, ends up staying in a fancy hotel . . rents a decent car . . . could end up costing you four, sometimes five.

(Pause)

She’s booked for the next seven months.

(Pause)

She handles it all . . . puts a temporary rack in your house somewhere . . . takes care of the litter box . . . brings along some cow blood . . . shows up in costume.

(Pause)

Okay . . . I’ll put you down for a pair . . . and a two-night Rent-a-Witch gig . . . Friday, XXXXX, and Saturday, XXXXX . . . got it. (Pick dates some time eight months in the future.)

(Pause)

Twenty five percent down . . . non-refundable . . . I’ll do the calcs and send you an estimate, along with the contract paperwork . . . e-mail ?

(Pause . . . pretend to enter information in phone)

Hey, we also got a franchise deal, if you have a place to start a colony . . . okay, I’ll send you the info . . . works best if you have a barn, or something like that . . . some area of the house you’re not using.

(Pause)

Guano? We bag it for fertilizer . . . yeah, bat guano is really high in nitrogen . . . best fertilizer you got . . . ‘specially for vegetables . . . that part of the business works best if you got a barn, or outbuilding of some kind . . . guano’s not pure, of course . . . mixed in with that litter . . . but the litter’s good for your garden, too.

(Pause)

Well, if you go the franchise route . . . you can add a fertilizer operation, too, whenever you’re ready . . . usually works best when people can hide these things . . . a whole lot easier, and actually more profitable, than a pot farm. (laughs)

(Pause)

Nobody’s got caught yet, at least that we know of.

(Pause)

Okay . . . got you down for two females . . . two months’ supply of blood . . . litter box and ceiling roost rack . . . two nights of Rent-a-Witch . . . and a franchise information packet . . . anything else ?

(Pause)

Thanks, Sam . . . you’re a buddy . . . hey, have a good one . . . I’ll shoot you a text when the stuff goes on the truck . . . Thanks again. Say hi to the everyone back there . . . take care . . . and hey . . . be sure to return the Rent-a-Witch, right? (laughs)

(Pretends to log out of this conversation, enter a bunch of information, and makes another “call”)

Yeah . . . just booked ‘em for a couple more nights . . . big party in Dallas . . . bachelor’s party for a buddy’s gettin’ married for the third or fourth time . . . just sent you the info.

(Pause)

No problem . . . he promised to send her back . . . write that into the contract, okay? . . . Never find another Witch like that one, right? . . . See you in a couple of days.

(Pretends to log out of this conversation.)